mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
