Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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