does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
