i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
