I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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