I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize