the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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