I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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