I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
