i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
