I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
