I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
