Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
