I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
