dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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