If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
