Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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