I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
