3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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