No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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