I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
