More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
