There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
