Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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