The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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