I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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