we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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