I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
