I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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