very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
