My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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