She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
