is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
