the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
