I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
