he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
