bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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