God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
