i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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