The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
