Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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