i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
