wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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