there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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