i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
