So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
