so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
