i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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