We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm just crazy horny about you
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
