Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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