I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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