We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
