hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
