I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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