I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
