You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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